I am writing to let you know that there may have been unauthorized access to some GLA user account information.
For your protection, I have personally banned Fish Heads from chat twice, maybe three times, and also the word ‘password’ from the chat. Additionally, if you type your password in chat or on this blog, it will appear as a series of asterisks. For example: the GLA master password is *******.
I hope that this measure will ensure that the stolen passwords will not spread around.
The hardworking staff behind the GLA have worked hard to cryptographically secure all user data as hard as possible. It is hardly cryptographically encrypted onto a 512mb USB drive shaped like a humping dog. I may or may not have
lost it sold it loaned it to a guy called Mike who promised to get it back to me by tomorrow. However, I now have reason to believe that Mike’s intentions were not pure and noble.
Do not fear. All of your passwords and stored credit card details (from your auto-renewing GLA gold accounts) have been encoded by a thus-far unbreakable algorithm known as Base64. Even to the most sophisticated human eye or sniffer dog, it just looks like a random bunch of junk, like somebody somehow found a way to combine Asda’s ‘Chosen by You’ Honey Numbers cereal with Alphabet Soup, without letting the Alphabet Soup go dry and the Honey Numbers go soggy. However, unlike Honey Numbers, Base64 is not made of corn. It is made of computers.
In addition, the following items appear to be missing from my basement vault:
- Catsman’s special chicken fried rice recipe
- A locket of BaronVonBadbeaver’s beard
- My signed AniMitch poster
- A top secret episode of Gentlemen Discussing Vidya that was never supposed to see the light of day
- My tray of unlabelled frozen sperm samples
- My tray of unlabelled frozen greek yogurt
- Most of Everdark’s fat (he is thin now)
- The mousemat with my face on it
- The last Mitsuru body pillow in the known universe
We also recommend that you change your password at any website where you use the same or a similar password. Remember to seal your doors and windows at night. Trust nobody. Remain indoors. Do not think about the incident. Do not look at the hooded figures in the dog park. We will communicate directly with affected users with additional details.
If you have any information about who might have been responsible for this, please come forward. Although I have not seen this person, I believe that they may look similar to the individual in this photograph.